A new vacuum salesman knocked at the door….
A lady opened it. Before she could speak... The salesman rushed into the living room and emptied a bag of cow shit on the carpet.
Salesman: - Madam, if I couldn't clean this up in the next 3 mins with my new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this shit..!!
Lady: Do you need Chili Sauce with that?
Salesman: - Why Madam?
Lady: - Because there's no electricity in the house...!!!
MORAL: - "Gather all resources before working on any project and committing to the client... & over smartness in India can be deadly."...
How do you know if you are truly humble
- A rich man once went to his Guru & said, "I want to develop humility." The guru suggested that he help someone who is lower than him.
He did that and came back to the guru and said, "I've helped a poor man today with wealth. Am I humble now?" The guru replied No and asked him to help another man lower than him. But after repeated visits to different people, he finally asked his guru, "When will I become humble?"
The wise old man replied, "You will have obtained humility when you can no longer find anyone that you think is lower than you in any way!"
Everyone may not be equal in power, status or wealth. But the day you realize tht everyone is equal...... the Leader in you is born!
A store that sells "New Husbands" has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights.
The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!' Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor number 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please!!!
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
(scroll and keep reading!)
The store's owner opened a "New Wives Store" just across the street.
The 1st Floor has wives that listen to men.
The 2nd, 3rd, 4th,5th and 6th floor have never been visited by men!!!!!!
In one Hyderabadi family a son comes home crying from school
Mom : kaiku rora?
Son : teacher maari merku.
Mom: kaiku Mari chudel terku ?
Son : main murgi bola usku.
Mom : arre kaiku aisa bola re ?
Son : kaiku bole toh ?
Har exam mein anda deeri merku
Aaj ka SUVICHAR ....
💬
"BADAAM khaane se utni
Akkal nahi aati" ...
"Jitni shadi ke bad
Aati hai... "
Q. Kashmir aur biwi mein kya samanta hai.....
Ans. Waise to dono hi samasya hai... par padosi nazar daale to gussa aat hai...
😎
What's the best example of "once in a lifetime opportunity?
A mosquito sitting on your wife's face.:😛
God decided it was time to end the world, so he called together those whom he considered the three most influential people in the world. President of USA Barrack Obama, Chinese President Xi Jinping, and Prime Minister of India Manmohan Singh.
"The world will end," God told them. "You must go and tell the people."
Obama, made a live statement on TV. "I've good news and BAD news." he said. "The good news is that we have been right, there is a God. The bad news is that he is ending the world."
The second person, Xi Jinping sent out a worldwide message. "I've bad news and WORSE news," he said. "The bad news is that we have been wrong all along - there is a God. The worse news is that he is ending the world."
Third person, Manmohan Singh immediately calls up Sonia Gandhi and says, "I've good news and BETTER news. The good news is that God thinks I'm one of the three most influential people in the world. The better news is that we do not have to worry about how to stop Modi from becoming PM."
Lady 1: Tumhari bahu kaise hai?
Lady 2: Bahu to bahut buri hai, roz late uthti hai,
mera beta uske liye chai banata hai, Ghar ka koi
kaam nahi karti. Aur jab dekho mere bete se bahar
khana khane ke liye kehti rehti hai
Lady 1: Aur damaad?
Lady 2: Damaad to farishta hai. Roz subah meri beti ko chai bana ke pilata hai Usey ghar ka koi kaam karne nahi deta & aksar bahar khana khane le jata hai. Aisa damaad sabko mile !!
Teacher was teaching Mahabaratha to 6th std students. "Kans heard devaki's 8th son wud kill him. So he put devaki & vasudev in prison. 1st child was born. Kans killed it by poison. 2nd Kans killed by sword. 3rd was born n so on...
At this point a boy raised his hand for a doubt.
Teacher : What?
Boy : "If kans knew that the 8th son wud kill him, why did he put devaki & vasudev in SAME jail?"
Teacher fainted !!
Generation gap, but common sense ! Point to banata hai
Ali and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London .
Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.
Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Ali 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how is it that you bring home a suitcase full of £10 notes every day?'
Ali says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?
Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.
Ali says 'No wonder you only get £2- £3
Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?
Ali shows Habib his sign....
It reads, 'I only need another £10 to move back to Pakistan '.
Very interesting & meaningful msg to share:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K LM N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is equal to:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26
Then,
H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K ;
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11=98%
K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E ;
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5=96%
L+O+V+E;
12+15+22+5 = 54%
L+U+C+K ;
12+21+3+11 = 47%
None of them makes 100%. Then what makes 100%?
Is it Money? NO!
M+O+N+E+Y= 13+15+14+5+25=72%
Leadership? NO!
L+E+A+D+E+R+S+H+I+P= 12+5+1+4+5+18+19+8+9+16=97%
Every problem has a solution, only if we perhaps change our "ATTITUDE"...
A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E ;
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
It is therefore OUR ATTITUDE towards Life and Work that makes
OUR Life 100% Successful.
Amazing mathematics
Beautiful msg to share:
Why husbands avoid questions!
WIFE:What would you do if i died?
Would you get married again?
Husband:No...
Wife-Why not?Don't you like being married?
Husband:Of course i do.
Wife:Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Husband:Ok, ok, i'd get married again...
Wife:Would you live in our house with yournew Wife...?
Husband:Yes, it's a great house.
Wife:Would you let her drive my car ?
Husband:Yes, its almost new, dear .
Wife:Would you give her my jewelry?
Husband:No..I am sure she would want her own..
Wife:Would she wear my shoes..?
Husband:No, her size is '5'
Wife:--silence-
Husband:'shiiit'...!!!
The Irony of Life is.....
Airports have seen more Affectionate Kisses than Wedding Halls..
The Walls of Hospitals have heard more Sincere Prayers than the Walls of Temples, Masjid and churches..
Good Days or Bad Days Depend on ur Thinking. What u Call "Suffocation" in Local Train Becomes "Atmosphere" in Disco.
Pizza....always confuses us ... it comes in a square box ... when you open it ... it's round ... when you start eating it ... it's triangle !
Life & People are also like Pizza ... Look different .. Appear different .. & .. Behave absolutely different
Fact of life:
5 Apple : Rs. 60
Apple 5 : Rs. 60,000
Situations and positions matters..!!!
U'll love this....
A jobless man applied for the job of "office boy" at Microsoft.
The HR interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test. "You are employed" he said. "Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the forms to fill in as well as when you may start". The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email." "I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means u do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."
The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10
in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket & buy a 10Kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60. The man realised that he can survive this way, and started to go everyday earlier and return late. Thus, his money dbld or trpld everyday.
Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles. 5 years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US .
He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life Insurance. He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan.
When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email." The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!"
The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"
Moral of the story:
1) Internet/email/bbm/whatsapp is not the solution to your life.
2) If you don't have internet/email/bbm/whatsapp , and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
3) If you received this message by email/bbm/whatsapp, u are not any close to being a Billionaire.
P.S - Don't send this back to me, I'm busy selling Tomatoes
😆
College life is like Reliance !! "
Karlo Duniya Mutthi Mein"
😎Bachelor Life is Like Airtel!! "
Aisi Azadi aur Kahan"
After Engagement is Like Idea!!
" Jo Badal de aapki Zindgi"
After Marrige is like Vodafone!!
" Wherever U go.. network Follows"
After 👪Kid is like 📞BSNL!!
" All lines are 🙈🙉🙊Busy" !!
Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a flight to Vancouver from Singapore.
"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."
"This one's empty... nobody's looking... You go in first."
"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down."
"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."
Sniff.. Sniff...
"Ah perfume - you think of everything !"
"This is great...!" (long deep sighs)...
Suddenly a voice erupts over the intercom and then..."This is the Captain speaking... To those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing and it is expressly forbidden by AirlineRegulations.... Now put out those cigarettes and take the condom off the smoke detector!"
A MUST TRY!!!!!!!
ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
(I love this part.. It's absolutely amazing!)
Count every " F " in the following text:
FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)
HOW MANY ?
3....4....
WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.
The brain cannot process "OF".
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!
Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy!!:
Good isnt it
This has got to be one of the cleverest msgs I've received in a while.
Million Dollar Truth :
If Saturday And Sunday Don't Excite You, then change your Friends.
If Monday doesn't Motivate you, then change your profession.
If Monday is too exciting, and you are dying to get to work, then you should change your spouse!!!
Ek Secretary apne boss k sath train trip pe ja rahi thi.
Raat ko wo kafi der tak Boss ko apne Qisse sunati rahi,
K,
Achanak Boss ne puchha:
"Kya Khayal Hai Aaj Raat Hum Dono "Miyan Biwi" ki Tarah Guzaaren"
Secretary sharmate hue boli:
"Sir, jese aap ki marzi"
Boss:
"To chalo phir apni bak bak band karo aur mujhe sone do"
.
.
.
.
Na dosto Na.
.
.
Gande msg or mere number se?
Impossible...
Masterpiece on economics.
One day a tourist comes to the only hotel in a debt ridden town in Kenya. He lays a 100 dollar note on the table & goes to inspect the rooms. Hotel owner takes the note & rushes to pay his debt to the butcher. Butcher runs to pay the pig farmer. Pig farmer runs to pay the feed supplier. Supplier runs to pay the prostitute, who in these hard times gave her services on credit. Prostitute then runs to pay off her debt to the hotel owner for the rooms she rented for her clients. Hotel owner then lays the 100 dollar note back on the counter. The tourist comes down, takes his money & leaves as he did not like the rooms.
No one earned anything. But the town is now without debt & looks to the future with a lot of optimism.
And that is how the world is doing business today!
Solve this one!!!!
There r seven thieves
They steal diamonds from a diamond merchant and run away in jungle
While running, night sets in and they decide to rest in the jungle
When everybody's sleeping, two of the best frnds get up and decide to distribute the diamonds among themselves and run away.
So they start distributing but find that one diamond was extra.
So they decide to wake up 3rd one and divide the diamonds again .....only to their surprise they still find one diamond extra.
So they decide to wake up fourth one.
Again one diamond is spare.
5th woken up......still one extra.
6th still one extra.
Now they wake up 7th and diamonds are distributed equally.
How many diamonds in total they steal???
I loved this one couldn't stop laughing,
A doctor had a fight with his wife.
Angry wife took revenge by eating an apple ........
To all software engineers n firms:
Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.
Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.
HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months.
Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby….!!!!!
😛
gf: "Teri ZIP khul nahi rahi yaar"
bf: "Thoda aur try kar"
gf: "Kar to rahi hoon. Nahi khul rahi"
bf: "Accha ruk. PDF bhejta hoon".
Husband: "Hi Honey,listen me carefuly and dont be tensed, I was driving to Sakshi's place along the coast road and had a sudden puncture. Then the car skidded and rolled over. Only a small tree kept me from sliding over a cliff and falling 500 feet. I managed to crawl out of the car only one second before the tree snapped and the car fell over the cliff. I am now in hospital with a broken arm, several broken ribs, a shattered kneecap and severe concussion."
Wife: "Who is Sakshi ?
Ek admi ne apne Padosi ko sms kiya ,
Dear Sir ,
Aapko jara sa bhi andaza nhi hai lekin aapko ye jaan kar hairaani jaroor hogi aur gussa bhi aayega ... ki aapki knowledge mei aane diye bagair , I've been using ur WIFE .
I used it double than u ordinarily use it......
I used it day and night ....!
I really felt that my requirement for it was more than yours but it is not morally Okkey for me. And I must confess when I was wrong morally as well as legally.
But I am sure that you will excuse me for my such naughty act. As otherwise also u were equally keeping it unused. Logically there's nothing wrong if I grabbed the opportunity but it is against social values and moral values.
All expenses on your pocket and I am enjoying it for free.
If you agree , (only if u agree ) from now onwards I am ready to bear 50% expenses or money spent on ur WIFE.
or with no other option I will get my own.
I could have continued like this for ever without letting u know anything but hope u'll appreciate my honesty and won't take any action against me. I m also feeling very guilty .
.
.
Neighbour just shot his wife and he was going to house of person sending sms ....
He received another sms....
.
.
.
.
.
Sorry AUTO CORRECT app. On my phone made it WIFE.
Actually it was about ur Wi Fi connection .
Regards. ..
........!
Men!!
Men!!
Men!!
If U advise them, they think U r dominating;
If U don't, U r not doing anything!😛
If they call,they r missing U;
If U call,U r disturbing them!😫
If they ask U anything,its their right;
If U ask them,U r interfering!
If they care,they luv U;
If U care,U r possessive🙎
So difficult....hats off to all great wives!!!!!!😬
Enough of jokes on ladies. Now its time for some male bashing (For a change).
Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up
🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒
Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares??? Just throw them
Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!
🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒
Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO ?
A: Dont know, havnt seen either
Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: i) no mind ii) no business
🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving
Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!
🍒
Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract!
🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒🍒
Pass this on to women who need a laugh and to men who can handle it !!
3 drunk guys entered a taxi.
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so
he started the engine & turned it off again.
He told them.... "We have reached".
The 1st guy gave him money &
the 2nd guy said "thank you".
The 3rd guy gave the driver a slap.
The driver was shocked,
thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did.
he asked "whats that for?".
Th 3rd guy replied:
"CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME..
Kapil Sharma vs. Auto rickshaw driver
Kapil :kitna paisa hua?
Auto wala : 30 Rs..
Kapil :- Ye le 15 Rs 😎
Auto Wala:- Ye kya sirf 15 Rs..ye to cheating hai
Kapil:- Cheating kaise..Tu bhi to baith k aaya hai..to sharing ka paisa kon dega,Tera baap?
Galib v/s Shetty
Galib : Mohhobat ki rahon pe sirf dard milega,
Wah wah mohabbat ki rahon pe sirf dard milega.
Shetty : Unnhi rahon pe Dance Bar kholo;
bahut chalega...
A Funny Case Of Kiss And A Slap ? must read it
A Project Manager, His team member, An Old Woman And Her Young Daughter Are Traveling In A Train And During The Course Of Time Get Themselves Introduced To Each Other And Become Temporary Friends?
The Train Goes Through A Tunnel And It Gets Completely Dark?
Suddenly There Is A Kissing Sound And Then A Slap !!!
The Train Comes Out Of The Tunnel?
The Women And The Assistant Are Sitting There Looking Perplexed?
The Manager Is Bending Over Holding His Face, Which Is Red From An Apparent Slap.
All Of Them Remain Diplomatic And Nobody Says Anything?
The Old Woman Is Thinking :
These Managers Are All Crazy After Girls. He Must Have Kissed My Daughter In The Tunnel. Very Proper That She Slapped Him?
The Young Girl Is Thinking :
The Manager Must Have Tried To Kiss Me But Kissed My Mother Instead And Got Slapped?
The Manager Is Thinking :
Damn It? My junior Must Have Kissed The Young Girl. She Might Have Thought Was Me And Slapped Me?
Now Guess What The Assistant Is Thinking?
.
.
Now Hold Your Breath And Read What The Assistant Is Thinking?
If This Train Goes Through Another Tunnel I Will Make Another Kissing Sound And Slap My Manager Again?
The Idiot Keeps Harassing Me In The Office?!!
Good moring mumbai.
A sample of the language that rocks Mumbai and is understood only in
Mumbai.........
1. There's a minor problem- Arre yaar, "Waanda" ho gaya
2. There's a big problem - Arre yaar, "Jhol" ho gaya
3. There's a huge problem..(unsolvable)-Arre yaar,"Raada" ho Gaya
4. You'll be surprised .- Ekdam "Hill " jayega tu
5. I am going out of this place - Chal apun "Kaltii" marta hai.
6. Don't make a fool of others - Dekh , tu "Shendi" mat laga sabko
7. Just get out of here,you oversmart fool!! - Chal e shane, "Hawa"aan de
8. I am not a stupid out here - Apun kya "ALIBAUG" se nahi aaya
9. There's some misunderstanding - Arre kuch "Galat Faimili" ho gayi
10. Do u drink daily? - Tu kya roz "FULL TO" hota hai?
11. See, You are afraid.. - Dekh , teri to "FAT" gayi
12. Shall I bash u? - E Du kya "Kharcha Pani" ?
13. Just take him into a secret place -Use jara "Khopche" me leke ja
14. What a beautiful lady !! - Kya "Zakaas Item" hai yaar!!
15. Don't just bluff. - E Jyaada "RAAG" mat de..
16. Don't take much tension.. - Jyaada "LOAD" nahi leneka kya??
17. Your clothes are very awkward!! - Kya "ZAGMAG /DHINKCHAAK"
pehna tune?
18. I don't care about it much..!! - Abe yaar , "Hata Saawan Ki Ghata"
19. Please don't bore me... - Jyaada "PAKAA" mat be tu
20. All this must be done without anyone's notice Sab kaam "SUUMDI" me hona chahiye...kya?
A very Emotional quote....
Attachment Is Not When Two People Chat Day & Night. . . .
Attachment is not when two people cant live without each other....
Attachment is not when two people cant stay away from each other for a moment...
But When Someone Email U And attach any Image Or Data File With It.......
That File Is Called " Attachment "....😛
A man got TWO wishes from God. He immediately wished for the best DRINK & the best WOMAN
He got... MINERAL WATER & MOTHER TERESA!
Moral - Investment is subject to market risks. Plz read the offer document carefully before investing.
It all started with CID ...
then came RAJNIKANT ...
next was ALOKNATH ...
Ab bari hai
CM Arvind Kejriwal ki...
Go on and read it ...
Kejriwal is so honest that no woman has ever asked him " do I look fat"
Kejriwal is so honest that when he throws a party , he calls the cops at 10pm
Kejriwal is so honest that he actually tests the level of salt in colgate
Kejriwal is so honest that he never skips youtube ads
Kejriwal is so honest that , he always removes USB safely
Kejriwal is so honest that , when he finds the bomb , he returns it to the terrorist
Kejriwal is so honest that , he got his wife's brother arrested for stealing his shoes during his marriage ceremony
Kejriwal is so honest that , he cooks maggie only for 2 minutes
Kejriwal is so honest that , he actually " rolls on the floor laughing" when he texts ROFL
Nikaah K Baad Dulha-
Maulvi saaheb aapki Fees kitni hui?
Maulvi : Janaab, Begum Ki Khubsurti K Mutabik De do.
Dulhe Miya Ne 10 ka note De Diye aur uth kar jaane lage.
Achanak Hawa Se Dulhan Ka Ghunghat Uth Gaya.
Maulvi : Ama Miya Baki paise To Lete jao...
😈
Santa ek jyotishi ke paas apni kundli dikhane gaya.
Jyotishi : Tera naam Santa Singh hai?
Santa (impressed) : Ji Maharaaj.
Jyotishi : Preeto teri biwi hai ?
Santa ( in admiring tone ) : Ji, ji Maharaj..!
Jyotishi : Tujhe 2 ladkiyaan aur ladka hai?
Santa (haath jod kar, sar jhuka kar ) Ji haan Maharaj...!
Jyotish- Tune abhi 10 kilo chawal kharide hain?
Santa ( jyotishi ke paer chhoote huey ) Maharaj, tussi to antaryami ho...!
Jyotishi :
AGLI BAAR AAYA TO..
KUNDLI LAANA..
RATION CARD NAHIN..! !
😇
The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him the most about humanity, answered "Man. Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; as a result he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived."
Badrinath and Amarnath were called Badri and Amar before Alok Nath visited them.
AAP was called TU before getting blessed by Alok Nath.
Alok Nath dyes his black hair white.
Alok Nath watched The Fast and the Furious hoping it was a movie about Monday' Fast.
Alok nath is the only person jisne valentine pe apni gf ka kanyadaan kr dia..
Alok Nath's Favorite Atta Is Aashirvaad Atta !!
Alok Nath is so sanskari that when he heard the song "Gandi baat" he pours Ganga Jal into his Ears.
Alok Nath ne ek baar IIT ka exam diya.
Now that exam is called IIT JEE
Q. What would Alok Nath say in a Thumbs Up ad?
A. Aaj kuch sanskari kartein hain.
When Alok Nath met Mark Zuckerberg, he requested for an Aashirwad button on Facebook.
When Alok Naths girlfriend asked him out to a Disco, he took her for Jagrata.
What would be movie name if Alok Nath directs them?
1. Kanyadaan No. 1
2. Kanyadaan at Wadala
3. Sanskari waale Kanyadaan Kar Jayenge
4. Maine Kanyadaan kyo kiya
5. Kanyadaan kiya toh drama kya
Alok Naths favourite songs are "Where's the Aarti tonight?" and "4 baj gaye lekin Aarti abhi baaki hai".
Alok Naths favourite actress is Mandir-a Bedi.
Alok Nath played Samdhi-Samdhan when his friends played Doctor Doctor.
When Alok Nath gets a gangsters role in a movie, he smokes dhoop instead of a cigar.
Alok Nath sends Samdhan requests instead of Friend requests.
Inspired by Koffee with Karan, Alok Nath plans to come with 'Sanskar with Alok'.
Can u read fast in English ?
Try this honestly and test your English speaking skills. Are you ready ? So let's start. Read the lines below as fast as you can without making a mistake.
My
A My
They My
They They My
A My They na My
hahahaha.....😆😆
Chhutta nahi hain mere pass maaf karo... ...!!!
Alok nath ke baad om puri ke Bari...
Om Puri was kidnapped by Taliban..
Govt launched a mission to save him .
Bolo us mission kaa
naam kya hoga...
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.
.
.
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.
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Save Puri
Now Don't kill me for this joke
One day om puri came late....
All school boy's said
Omlet aaya Omlet aaya
😛
Pyar Saccha Ho Toh waQt Rukk
Jaata Hain,<3
Aasman Lakh Uncha Ho maGar
Jhuk Jata Hain,<3
Pyaar Mein Duniya Laakh Bane
Rukaawat,<3
Agar...
HumSafar Saccha Ho Toh Khudaa
Bhi Jhuk Jaata Hain...!!! "
Boy: I have decided that I ll not kiss u untill we get married.
Girl: ohh..come on...that's so ALOKNATH of you.......
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Breaking news.
Supreme court passes new rule,
Marriage certificate not required, if Alok Nath gives ashirwad.
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On wedding night
Husband - Ghar mein sabse pyar se rehna, sabki respect karna, unka Vishwas jeetna.
Wife- Tum mere Praannath ho ki Aloknath.
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Sunny Leone breaks out in an item number - Babuji zara dheere chalo beejli giri yahan beejli giri.
Alok Nath - Kitna khayal rakhti ho apne babuji ka!
An inspirational speaker said:
"The Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife."
Audience were in shock and silence.
He added: "She was my mother"
A big round of applause & laughter followed!
.
.
.
A very daring husband tried to crack this at home.
After dinner, he said loudly to his wife in the kitchen:
"The Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
Standing for a moment, he tried to recall the second line of that inspirational speaker.
By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed, recovering from burns of boiling water!
Moral:
DON'T COPY..
IF U CAN'T PASTE...!!!
Two sharks swimming in the ocean come across a group of survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son. Today I will show you the correct way to eat humans" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the group of people floating in the water.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with full fins showing." And they did. "Now, every few seconds we pop out of the water, open our mouths and let them see our teeth" And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why do all this? Why not just eat them?"
Says the wise papa shark,"Because they taste better when there is no shit inside them!"
😋😆
This has got to be one of the cleverest msgs I've received in a while,
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble. (Wait till you see the last one!)
1. DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
A SPARKLING DRIVE
2. PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN
3. MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN
4. DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
5. ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
6. DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
7. THE EYES
When you rearrange
THEY SEE
8. A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
I M A DOT IN PLACE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER...
Jaldi forward karo..Ye market me naya hai..😛
Zindagi ke 8 Hisse hote hain :
1. Padhai
📕
📗
📓
2. Khel
🚴
🎳
3. Mauj Masti
🏂
🎼
🏉
🎳
4. Pyar
💖
💞
💕
5. Shaadi
6.
7.
8.
Kya dhoond rahe ho..???
Shadi hone ke baad sab Khatam....
😀
An engg student had a crush on his classmate. One fine day he proposed her. But she rejected and threatened that she would complain to the principal if he ever bothered her again. And the boy remains silent for rest of the days.
Some days later the girl borrows a book from that boy and writes in it
.
.
" I love u too. Sorry to hurt you the other day. If you forgive me, please come and speak to me."
Four years passed, and the boy never approached the girl again.
MORAL: Engineering boys never open their book!
Agar aapki wife aapka kehna nahi manti hai to..😯😯
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to..
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Itna dhyan se mat padho,
kisi ki nahi manti...😋😆😎b
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.
Iska koi solution nahi hai.
Wife: Janu kya main tumhare sapnon me aati hu.
Husband: Nahi.
Wife: Kyun?
Husband: Main "hanuman chalisa" padh kar sota hu.
*******************
Unmarried boy: "Mujhe shaadi nahin karna. Mujhe sab aurato se darr lagta hai."
Father: "Kar le beta, phir 1 hi aurat se darr lagega baaki sab achhi lagengi."
😛😛😛😛
Assistant: "Sir, Aap Office Mein Shadi-Shuda Aadmiyon Ko Hi Kyu Rakhte Ho?"
Boss: "Kyunki Unhe Beizzati Sehne Ki Aadat Hoti Hai Aur Ghar Jane Ki Jaldi Bhi Nahi Hoti"
😩
🌽
Husband- "tere baap ki jaley par namak chidakne ki adat gayi nahi?"
Wife- kyo kya hua?
Husband- aaj fir se puch raha tha "Meri beti se shadi karke kush to ho na?
Touching story...
A husband and wife went for a walk. While walking husband got hurt by a stone and started bleeding. He looked at his wife, hoping she would tear her dupatta and tie it on the wound.
Wife looked in his eyes and said: Sochna bhi mat...
Designer piece hai!!!
😆
Put your wife in a room & lock it.
Put your dog in another room & lock it !!!
Open both rooms after 2 - 3 hours & see who is Happy to see you, and who will BITE you !
(Readers are advised not to try this at home as these stunts were performed by professionals; who are now divorced; and living happily with their dog)
Don't laugh loud ----
Investment Ideas!
If you purchased Rs1,00,000 of Delta Airlines stock 1 year ago, you would have Rs 4,900 today.
If you purchased Rs1,00,000 of AIG stock 1 year ago, you would have Rs 3,300 today.
If you purchased Rs1,00,000 of Lehman Brothers stock 1 year ago, you would have Rs 0.0 today.
But, if you purchased Rs1,00,000 worth of beer 1 year ago, drank all the beer, returned the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you would have Rs. 21,400/- !!!
Imagine, the above said returns is just an addition on top of all the entertainment you got by drinking beer (which is not accountable in terms of money).
Think Smart!!
Drink Beer
Cheers..!! 🍷●
HEIGHT OF ATTITUDE:
A cockroach's last words to a man who is about to kill him:
"Go ahead & kill me, u coward! U r jealous of me bcoz ur wife is afraid of me & NOT AFRAID OF YOU !
Fat man saw an ad in a newspaper
"lose 5kg in a week"
He calls the company & lady says
" be ready tomorrow at 6am."
The next morning he opens the door
&
finds a hot babe with just shoes & shirt saying ,
"u catch me u kiss me!"
& the girl starts running...
He starts running but doesn't catch her.
During the whole week he tried to catch her but
couldn't. However he loses 5 kg.
He then asks for the 10kg program.
Next morning at 6 am he opens the door
&
sees an even hotter babe in shoes & a shirt saying
"u catch me , u kiss me".
He loses 10 kg that week.
So he thought this program is awesome!
Lets try the 25 kg!
So he asked for the 25 kg
but the lady said "R u sure? its really tough !!!! ".
he said "YES!"
Next day at 6 am he opens the door,
he finds a Negro gay saying
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.
.
"If I catch u, I will kiss u..!"😆😆😆😆😆😆
MURDER OF ENGLISH <=-P
1. Pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin ;;)
2. Both of u stand together separately. =))
3. Why r u looking at the monkeys outside when I'm inside
4. Will u hang the calendar or else I will hang myself. =D
5. I hav 2 daughters both r girls
6. Giv me a blue pen of any color. ✒✒
7. The principal is revolving in the corridor. :p
8. All of u stand in a straight circle. =))
9. Open the window 😐
Let the airforce come in:E>
Wife (angrily) - I don't believe this... u forgot my birthday again?? How can you do this...
Husband - how can you expect me to remember your birthday when u never look older..
Wife (clear her throat and smile) -
jaanu Sacchi 😛
Husband in his mind (sahi time pe dialogue aa gya beta...warna aaj toh lag jaate..)
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